Sibling Rivalry. What Causes Sibling Rivalry and What Can Be Done About It?

Sibling rivalry or sibling competition is a topic many parents face when having more than one child. The rivalry can occur between a brother and a sister, sister and a sister as well between two brothers.

In most cases the sibling rivalry starts with welcoming the second child into the family. By bringing a newborn into an already established family, the family structure and dynamics change. The firstborn suddenly is not one and the only one. This can be frustrating. Consequently the firstborns often experience jealousy. And the competition for the attention begins. The sibling rivalry can continue throughout the entire childhood and it can be rather stressful and frustrating for the parents.

Before looking at what parents can do to mend the situation, let us first have a look at what causes sibling rivalry.

Causes of the Sibling Rivalry

The cause for the sibling rivalry lays usually, in the eyes of the firstborn, in the new baby. At this point the firstborn realises the parents have the baby on their minds as well. Once the firstborn realises the baby is not going anywhere and is here to stay the competing begins.

Each child needs to define themselves as an individual. Throughout the childhood each child discovers their talents and interest. Thereby they differentiate themselves from other siblings.

Sibling rivalry can come as a consequence of the firstborn feeling that their relationship with the parents is threatened due to the arrival of the new baby.

Another cause for the competition amongst the siblings is the the children feeling that parents tend to spend more time and give more attention to the other sibling.

Children may start picking fights also when:

• They are bored, frustrated or hungry,

• When they do not know how to get positive attention from the other sibling,

• Agresion is accepted as a normal way to resolve conflicts,

• They parents and/or children are stressed,

• They feel treated unfairly,

• They do not get regularly enough enjoyable family moments .

In order to maintain positive and enjoyable family dynamics it is essential to act upon the (first) signs of the sibling rivalry. The consequences can be intermediate, however also long lasting.

Effects of the Sibling Rivalry

Frequent sibling arguments can be damaging for an individual's self esteem. Consequently negative trends can appear in child's academics, motivation, sports. If arguing does not stop and continues from early childhood into teenage years and adulthood, mutual hate can develop between the siblings. If no actions are taken on time, envy can be the primary emotion governing the sibling relationship in the adulthood.

In order to prevent fights, hate, envy and stress and rather develop, already in the early childhood, supportive relationship between the siblings the parents should take actions. Indeed as soon as they see first signs of sibling jealousy, competition and negative attitude, they should act.

There are quite few methods and practices parents can choose from. We have selected some that have showed the best results within our community.

Tips for The Parents

1. Praise the differences rather than comparing them to one another (celebrate individuality and let each child be the way they are),

2. Do not label your children,

3. Plan fun family time (previous positive experience can be a buffer when it comes to a conflict),

4. Begin each day on a positive note,

5. Create a cooperative environment (and disencourage the competition) however also,

6. Ensure each child has enough time on their own,

7. Occasionally ask about positive things about their brother or sister,

8. Always stay calm,

9. Listen (but really) to your children (try to understand each child's role in the feud, let each child speak - if they want to, do not force if they do not want to, let them express their feelings, there is no putting down and interrupting),

10. Fair treatment (rather than equal treatment),

11. Offer your children problem solving tools (show them how they can compromise, or resolve the feud in a positive manner),

12. Teach children how they can get positive attention from each other,

13. Promote empathy amongst the siblings,

14. Private punishment (if already required ensure that you deal with the punishment in a private way and therefore prevent shameful moments in front of the other siblings. Shameful moments can lead to animosity between the siblings). Please check Jordan Peterson's video on a topic "How to Discipline Your Child and Toddler Without Hitting",

15. Always be there for your child (parents' empathy is essential for child's mental development).

Overall equal time and attention distribution towards each child, regular family meetings (e.g. eating meals together) and maintaining positive family atmosphere is essential for encouraging supportive and healthy relationship between the siblings.

If you would like to read a bit more on this topic, we can recommend the following book: Siblings Without Rivalry: How to Help Your Children Live Together So You Can Live Too.

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Disclaimer

Please note that we are not professionals within the field of (early)child education, nutrition or cosmetics. Indeed we are a group of parents who are interested in these topics. We would like to use this blog as a platform to share our positive experience and share some tips and tricks we have come across. That being said, the content is based purely on our own research and our own experiences.

Your LUMMY team